Personalization and Blame
Personalization comes when you hold yourself personally responsible for an event that isn’t entirely under your control. When a women received a note that her child was having difficulty in school, she told herself, “This shows what a bad mother I am,” instead of trying to pinpoint the cause of the problem so that she could be helpful to her child. When another women’s husband beat her, she told herself, “If only I was a better cook, he wouldn’t beat me.” Personalization leads to guilt, shame and feelings of inadequacy.
Some people do the opposite. They blame other people or their circumstances for their problems, and they overlook ways they might be contributing to the problem: “The reason my marriage is terrible is because my spouse is totally unreasonable.” Blame usually doesn’t work very well because other people will resent being scapegoated and they will just toss the blame right back in your lap. It’s like the game of hot potato – no one wants to get stuck with it.
Blame can be a way to escape. Blame will get you out of taking responsibility. The problem is it gives the keys to your freedom to who ever you blame for the situation and now you are enslaved to the very thing that you were trying to escape from. Now you’re enslaved to bitterness, because you escaped through blame. Hmm…bitterness is a whole other discussion.