Reflections
Exaggerate the importance of problems and shortcomings or minimize the
importance of your desirable qualities, sounds so dramatic doesn’t it. Also known as making “mountains out of molehills” and/or the “binocular trick” - either blow things up out of proportion or shrink things down in size.
Any of you relate?
Jumping to Conclusions ~ Interpreting things negatively when there are no facts to support your conclusion.
Mind Reading ~ Without checking it out, you arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you.
Fortune-telling ~ You predict that things will turn out badly.
Imagined Catastrophe ~ Obsessing about how a single event will play out “what if” this or that. “When she says this, I’ll say that”. Creating in our mind a complete play with dialogue which will never come to pass.
Rejecting positive experiences by insisting that they “don’t count”. Having thoughts that say “it wasn’t good enough” or that “anyone could have done as good” when you clearly did a good job - these are examples of discounting the positive. Discounting steals the positives and rips the joy out of life making you feel inadequate and unrewarded.
Choosing a single negative detail and dwelling on it exclusively, so that your vision or reality becomes darkened. Have you ever received numerous compliments on preparing a beautiful meal and the only thing you focus on is that the carrots were over cooked? Obsession on the soft carrots keeps us from receiving all the beautiful, loving and positive comments.
Would you like to see the light in your reality?
Would you like to learn how to let go of dwelling on the negative and learn to see the positive?
A clue is using words such as “always” or “never”. I recall a Pastor saying to the congregation to be careful not to use the word “always”. These statements of “You always, or You never”. My husband Hal and I have been careful ever since. Catching each other and more importantly, catching ourselves.
Watch for making “mountains out of molehills” this is more over generalization. Keep situations right sized and not blow them out of proportion.
Seeing a single negative event such as a career interruption or an invitation rejection, as a never-ending pattern or defeat.
How often do you use the words “always” or “never”?
What kind of damage do these words cause to those we love?
When I experience these defeats, how can I self soothe?
Imagine looking in the mirror at yourself…
What’s the first thing you think of when you see your reflection?
Is it of love, kindness, joy, or peace?
This first thought is a part of our internal conversation, or our story.
How do you speak to yourself?
Rewiring my thinking by focusing on what I’m good at, what my strengths are and what I have to offer changes how I think about myself and the world around me.
This hasn’t always been my story. From the time I was a little girl, I can remember feeling there was something wrong with me, I wasn’t smart enough, good enough, and certainly didn’t fit in.
My family wasn’t ‘normal’ therefore I wasn’t ‘normal’. I escaped into a story of fantasy, going into a place of my mind where there was no pain, negativity, hurt, loss, fear. Or swinging to the direct opposite into imagined catastrophe and fortune-telling into “what if”… predicting that everything will turnout badly.
This is some of ‘stinkin thinkin’. My thoughts had taken on an unhealthy attitude, one that was working against me, not serving me, often irrational. This ‘stinkin thinkin’ created so many unrealistic expectations of myself and of those I loved. I was unmanageable in all of my relationships.
Have you ever heard of ‘stinkin thinkin’?
Maybe you experience ‘stinkin thinkin’?
How do you know if you have ‘stinkin thinkin’?
Want to learn how to stop ‘stinkin thinkin’?
Do you spend too much energy trying to make others comfortable and feel included that you leave yourself feeling strange and awkward in the process? What if we decided to make ourselves comfortable? What if we listened to our instincts? What if we held boundaries?
Well I decided to make myself comfortable and some have not appreciated the boundaries. Actually they were ignored! Yes, Ignored. I was ignored. My wishes ignored. My feelings ignored. When they finally tired of bumping up against my boundaries, I was blamed, yelled at and stomped on. People act out when they’ve crossed a line.
Today I am mindful of my environment. Who influences me and speaks into my life? Who inspires me? Who I choose to spend time with. Life is too short to people please and worry about whether others are uncomfortable, its non of my business. I’m my business!
I’m so grateful for this lesson. I’m free to spend time with my fantastic family. Creating new relationships. Nurturing and going deep in my relationship with my best friend. I’m so clear about honoring boundaries. I’m so clear about living into my values. I’m so clear about what healthy relationships look like.
Are you being ignored? Aren’t you tired of it? What are you ready to do about it?
May is an excellent month for looking back to see how I’ve been doing with achieving my new year intentions. Well, I can honestly say I’m right on track of restoring my peace and serenity!
The meaning of restoration is bringing back to a former position or condition. Another meaning of restoration is to receive back more than has been lost to the point where the final state is greater than the original condition. I’ve been restoring my peace and serenity by living into my values and holding my boundries by understanding that relationships change when similar values are no longer shared and when people are growing differently. This is normal and okay, its called growth. If a relationship doesn’t align with your values, its okay and healthy to let it go. I’m getting back to my former place and perhaps even greater than my original condition. All of my own personal coaching sessions have been about growth and analyzing what my deepest core values are and recognizing when something has rubbed up against them.
Last weekend, Mother’s Day, I attended a women’s conference with my niece called “Renewed”. It was wonderful to be in the community of other similar minded women all checking in with themselves and being self-responsible for their lives and how they want to live their lives. It allowed me to reflect and take a quick inventory to see where I am and where I’m going.
Where are you with your yearly intentions?
What are you working on?
What would you like to restore to its original condition or better yet, greater than the original condition?
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This blog has been in my heart for years and I’ve been procrastinating it because its painful. However, I know it needs to be shared. I’m writing now because I have a strong feeling there are people, women and men, who need to hear it. My prayer is that it will bring hope to one person.
On our wedding, August 19, 2000, our justice of the peace asked in a whisper if we planned on children, Hal and I both nodded yes and she instantly projected her voice to shared a blessing of procreation.
Two years later, December 7, 2002, we experienced a miscarriage, May 8, 2003 a second miscarriage, April 9, 2004 (Good Friday) our third miscarriage. People said its common. Our general practitioner sent us to a specialist. There must be an explanation, a ‘fix’, a something that they can do.
Test after test and another two miscarriages while in the care of the specialist. The specialist did discover things about me but nothing as to why my body was miscarrying our children. There wasn’t an explanation, a ‘fix’, a something that they could do. He literally threw up his hands and said he was so sorry for us.
Our hearts were broken. We didn’t know how to cope. We didn’t know where to go for help. I drank vodka to drown my sorrow, my feelings of unworthiness, and all of those lost dreams. I felt like a failure. Between the fourth and fifth miscarriage my drinking escalated and become unmanageable. All of this was tearing my husband I apart. I could not go on and my husband would not go on watching me kill myself with alcohol. The ultimatum was set down, he reached an emotional bottom, the five miscarriages brought me to my knees and to my last alcoholic bottom.
I found help. It was November 11, 2007, I quit drinking, got sober and started to heal my sorrow and grief. December 3, 2008 we had our sixth miscarriage, I did not use alcohol to cope, to drown my sorrow. I found a solution. Twelve years later, as I live in long term recovery, I have six small holes within me and I’ve grown strength around each of them. My eyes fill with tears and my throat constricts as I write. Its painful, but where there is sorrow there is joy. I have joy today.
If you are struggling or someone you know is struggling with miscarriage and alcohol, you are not alone. There is help. Please reach out, I would be so happy to share my personal coaching journey from sorrow to joy.
Over the last 12 years, I’ve learned that I must have a daily practice to check-in with my heart, do a self-examination, and work on my spiritual growth. All of us could benefit from this. No one is exempt from the possibility of going back to old ways.
We need to look at four areas of our lives on a regular basis.
Check-in with your body. Ask yourself, “What is my body telling me?” Your body is a barometer of what’s happening inside of you. For example, if you have tense muscles, you probably have some stress. If you’re tired, hungry, or stressed out, those can be clues that your life has gotten out of whack and you may be headed for problems.
Check-in with your emotions. Make sure you’re allowing your real feelings to surface instead of pushing them down. If you try to put a cap on your emotions, the pressure will build up and you’re bound to explode. Check in using your heart by asking yourself the following questions:
H: Am I hurting?
E: Am I exhausted?
A: Am I angry?
R: Do I resent anybody?
T: Am I tense?
Check-in on your relationships. Ask yourself if you’re at peace with the people in your life (current and past relationships). You may be re-living a hurt from years ago that will eventually torpedo your new way of living and thinking (recovery).
Check-in on your spiritual life. Are you relying on God on a moment-by-moment basis? Remember, the quickest route to a fall is to begin thinking you can handle things on your own.
Go through this process frequently. This could be a new daily practice for you.
At any time of the day, when you begin to feel the pressures build up, go through the four areas above and see if anything stands out. Then, at the end of the day, build into your life a time to acknowledge your failures and celebrate your successes. And then look more deeply and mindfully at your daily life to make sure everything is in order. If not, time to become rigorously honest with yourself and get to work. That is, if you want to think and life a different way.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful to live in peace and serenity by living by a practice?
A practice to dig deep and get honest with yourself. I encourage those who do not have a daily practice, to create one and follow it during this spring season. Those that do have a daily practice, I challenge yourself to dig deeper to bring about more change and transformation.
