Identifying "‘Stinkin Thinkin’" #9

Labeling

Labeling is an extreme form of all-or-nothing thinking.  Instead of saying “I made a mistake,” you attach a negative label to yourself: “I’m a loser.”  You may also label yourself “a fool” or “a failure” or  “a jerk.”  Labeling is quite irrational because you are not the same as what you do.  Human beings exist, but “fools”, “losers” and “jerks” do not.  These labels are just useless abstractions that lead to anger, anxiety, frustration and low self-esteem.

You may also label others.  When someone does something that rubs you the wrong way, you may tell  yourself: “He’s an S.O.B.”  Then you feel that the problem is with that person’s “character” or “essence” instead of with their thinking or behavior.  You see them as totally bad. This makes you feel hostile and hopeless about improving things and leaves very little room for constructive communication.

In this uncertain time, let’s focus on constructive communication.

Identifying "'Stinkin Thinkin'" #8

“Should” Statements

“Must,” “ought” and “have tos” are similar offenders.  “Should” statements that are directed against yourself lead to guilt and frustration. 

“Should” statements that are directed against other people or the world in general, lead to anger, frustration and resentment. 

Many people try to motivate themselves with should and shouldn't, as if they were delinquents who had to be punished before they could be expected to do anything.  “I shouldn’t eat that birthday cake in a bikini on Waikiki Beach.”

This usually doesn’t work because all these should and must do is make you feel rebellious and give you the urge to do the opposite.

As you can see in the photo, I ate my amazing birthday cake in my bikini on Waikiki Beach celebrating my 53rd birthday!

Identifying "'Stinkin Thinkin'" #7

Emotional Reasoning

Assuming that negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really area.  This is what emotional reasoning sounds like in or story… “I feel terrified about going on airplanes.  It must be very dangerous to fly.”  Or, “I feel guilty.  I must be a bad person.”  Or, “I feel angry.  This proves that I’m being treated unfairly.”  Or, “I feel so inferior.  This means I’m not smart enough.”  Or, “I feel hopeless.  I must really be hopeless.”

How can we turn this narrative around so these stories support us?

Let’s have a conversation.

Identifying "'Stinkin Thinkin'" #6

Magnification

Exaggerate the importance of problems and shortcomings or minimize the
importance of your desirable qualities, sounds so dramatic doesn’t it.  Also known as making “mountains out of molehills” and/or the “binocular trick” - either blow things up out of proportion or shrink things down in size.

Any of you relate?

Identifying "'Stinkin Thinkin'" #5

Oh How Our Minds Play Tricks On Us….

Jumping to Conclusions ~ Interpreting things negatively when there are no facts to support your conclusion. 

Mind Reading ~ Without checking it out, you arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you. 

Fortune-telling ~ You predict that things will turn out badly. 

Imagined Catastrophe ~ Obsessing about how a single event will play out “what if” this or that.  “When she says this, I’ll say that”.  Creating in our mind a complete play with dialogue which will never come to pass.

Identifying "'Stinkin Thinkin'" #4

Discounting the Positive

Rejecting positive experiences by insisting that they “don’t count”.  Having thoughts that say “it wasn’t good enough” or that “anyone could have done as good” when you clearly did a good job - these are examples of discounting the positive.  Discounting steals the positives and rips the joy out of life making you feel inadequate and unrewarded.

Identifying "'Stinkin Thinkin'" #3

Mental Filter

Choosing a single negative detail and dwelling on it exclusively, so that your vision or reality becomes darkened.  Have you ever received numerous compliments on preparing a beautiful meal and the only thing you focus on is that the carrots were over cooked?  Obsession on the soft carrots keeps us from receiving all the beautiful, loving and positive comments.

Would you like to see the light in your reality?

Would you like to learn how to let go of dwelling on the negative and learn to see the positive?

Identifying "'Stinkin Thinkin'" #2

Over generalization

A clue is using words such as “always” or “never”.  I recall a Pastor saying to the congregation to be careful not to use the word “always”. These statements of “You always, or You never”. My husband Hal and I have been careful ever since. Catching each other and more importantly, catching ourselves.

Watch for making “mountains out of molehills” this is more over generalization. Keep situations right sized and not blow them out of proportion.

Seeing a single negative event such as a career interruption or an invitation rejection, as a never-ending pattern or defeat. 

How often do you use the words “always” or “never”? 

What kind of damage do these words cause to those we love?

When I experience these defeats, how can I self soothe? 

Identifying "'Stinkin Thinkin'" #1

Imagine looking in the mirror at yourself…

What’s the first thing you think of when you see your reflection?

Is it of love, kindness, joy, or peace?

This first thought is a part of our internal conversation, or our story.

How do you speak to yourself?

Rewiring my thinking by focusing on what I’m good at, what my strengths are and what I have to offer changes how I think about myself and the world around me.

This hasn’t always been my story. From the time I was a little girl, I can remember feeling there was something wrong with me, I wasn’t smart enough, good enough, and certainly didn’t fit in.

My family wasn’t ‘normal’ therefore I wasn’t ‘normal’. I escaped into a story of fantasy, going into a place of my mind where there was no pain, negativity, hurt, loss, fear. Or swinging to the direct opposite into imagined catastrophe and fortune-telling into “what if”… predicting that everything will turnout badly.

This is some of ‘stinkin thinkin’. My thoughts had taken on an unhealthy attitude, one that was working against me, not serving me, often irrational. This ‘stinkin thinkin’ created so many unrealistic expectations of myself and of those I loved. I was unmanageable in all of my relationships.

Have you ever heard of ‘stinkin thinkin’?

Maybe you experience ‘stinkin thinkin’?

How do you know if you have ‘stinkin thinkin’?

Want to learn how to stop ‘stinkin thinkin’?

Stay tune for the series - Stop ‘Stinkin Thinkin’.

Being Ignored

Do you spend too much energy trying to make others comfortable and feel included that you leave yourself feeling strange and awkward in the process? What if we decided to make ourselves comfortable? What if we listened to our instincts? What if we held boundaries?

Well I decided to make myself comfortable and some have not appreciated the boundaries. Actually they were ignored! Yes, Ignored. I was ignored. My wishes ignored. My feelings ignored. When they finally tired of bumping up against my boundaries, I was blamed, yelled at and stomped on. People act out when they’ve crossed a line.

Today I am mindful of my environment. Who influences me and speaks into my life? Who inspires me? Who I choose to spend time with. Life is too short to people please and worry about whether others are uncomfortable, its non of my business. I’m my business!

I’m so grateful for this lesson. I’m free to spend time with my fantastic family. Creating new relationships. Nurturing and going deep in my relationship with my best friend. I’m so clear about honoring boundaries. I’m so clear about living into my values. I’m so clear about what healthy relationships look like.

Are you being ignored? Aren’t you tired of it? What are you ready to do about it?