Transformed Thinking #1

There is Gray!

Not everything needs to be perfect. Its beautiful here in this space where there are shades of gray. We can choose to see the world in gray. My father challenged to me 13 years ago and said, “Nicole, look for the gray.”

A healthy person has the ability to see the full spectrum of color and variations. If the rigidity of your thinking is at the high-end of perfectionism, perhaps you are missing out on a large portion of beauty in this life.

Much of life takes place in the gray areas. Most experiences in life are not all good or all bad, but somewhere in between.

Build a practice of seeing different shades and see how your thoughts become transformed.

Identifying "'Stinkin Thinkin'" #10

Personalization and Blame

Personalization comes when you hold yourself personally responsible for an event that isn’t entirely under your control.  When a women received a note that her child was having difficulty in school, she told herself, “This shows what a bad mother I am,” instead of trying to pinpoint the cause of the problem so that she could be helpful to her child.  When another women’s husband beat her, she told herself, “If only I was a better cook, he wouldn’t beat me.”  Personalization leads to guilt, shame and feelings of inadequacy. 

Some people do the opposite.  They blame other people or their circumstances for their problems, and they overlook ways they might be contributing to the problem: “The reason my marriage is terrible is because my spouse is totally unreasonable.”  Blame usually doesn’t work very well because other people will resent being scapegoated and they will just toss the blame right back in your lap.  It’s like the game of hot potato – no one wants to get stuck with it.

Blame can be a way to escape.  Blame will get you out of taking responsibility.  The problem is it gives the keys to your freedom to who ever you blame for the situation and now you are enslaved to the very thing that you were trying to escape from.  Now you’re enslaved to bitterness, because you escaped through blame. Hmm…bitterness is a whole other discussion.

Identifying "‘Stinkin Thinkin’" #9

Labeling

Labeling is an extreme form of all-or-nothing thinking.  Instead of saying “I made a mistake,” you attach a negative label to yourself: “I’m a loser.”  You may also label yourself “a fool” or “a failure” or  “a jerk.”  Labeling is quite irrational because you are not the same as what you do.  Human beings exist, but “fools”, “losers” and “jerks” do not.  These labels are just useless abstractions that lead to anger, anxiety, frustration and low self-esteem.

You may also label others.  When someone does something that rubs you the wrong way, you may tell  yourself: “He’s an S.O.B.”  Then you feel that the problem is with that person’s “character” or “essence” instead of with their thinking or behavior.  You see them as totally bad. This makes you feel hostile and hopeless about improving things and leaves very little room for constructive communication.

In this uncertain time, let’s focus on constructive communication.

Identifying "'Stinkin Thinkin'" #8

“Should” Statements

“Must,” “ought” and “have tos” are similar offenders.  “Should” statements that are directed against yourself lead to guilt and frustration. 

“Should” statements that are directed against other people or the world in general, lead to anger, frustration and resentment. 

Many people try to motivate themselves with should and shouldn't, as if they were delinquents who had to be punished before they could be expected to do anything.  “I shouldn’t eat that birthday cake in a bikini on Waikiki Beach.”

This usually doesn’t work because all these should and must do is make you feel rebellious and give you the urge to do the opposite.

As you can see in the photo, I ate my amazing birthday cake in my bikini on Waikiki Beach celebrating my 53rd birthday!

Identifying "'Stinkin Thinkin'" #7

Emotional Reasoning

Assuming that negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really area.  This is what emotional reasoning sounds like in or story… “I feel terrified about going on airplanes.  It must be very dangerous to fly.”  Or, “I feel guilty.  I must be a bad person.”  Or, “I feel angry.  This proves that I’m being treated unfairly.”  Or, “I feel so inferior.  This means I’m not smart enough.”  Or, “I feel hopeless.  I must really be hopeless.”

How can we turn this narrative around so these stories support us?

Let’s have a conversation.

Identifying "'Stinkin Thinkin'" #6

Magnification

Exaggerate the importance of problems and shortcomings or minimize the
importance of your desirable qualities, sounds so dramatic doesn’t it.  Also known as making “mountains out of molehills” and/or the “binocular trick” - either blow things up out of proportion or shrink things down in size.

Any of you relate?

Identifying "'Stinkin Thinkin'" #5

Oh How Our Minds Play Tricks On Us….

Jumping to Conclusions ~ Interpreting things negatively when there are no facts to support your conclusion. 

Mind Reading ~ Without checking it out, you arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you. 

Fortune-telling ~ You predict that things will turn out badly. 

Imagined Catastrophe ~ Obsessing about how a single event will play out “what if” this or that.  “When she says this, I’ll say that”.  Creating in our mind a complete play with dialogue which will never come to pass.

Identifying "'Stinkin Thinkin'" #4

Discounting the Positive

Rejecting positive experiences by insisting that they “don’t count”.  Having thoughts that say “it wasn’t good enough” or that “anyone could have done as good” when you clearly did a good job - these are examples of discounting the positive.  Discounting steals the positives and rips the joy out of life making you feel inadequate and unrewarded.

Identifying "'Stinkin Thinkin'" #3

Mental Filter

Choosing a single negative detail and dwelling on it exclusively, so that your vision or reality becomes darkened.  Have you ever received numerous compliments on preparing a beautiful meal and the only thing you focus on is that the carrots were over cooked?  Obsession on the soft carrots keeps us from receiving all the beautiful, loving and positive comments.

Would you like to see the light in your reality?

Would you like to learn how to let go of dwelling on the negative and learn to see the positive?

Identifying "'Stinkin Thinkin'" #2

Over generalization

A clue is using words such as “always” or “never”.  I recall a Pastor saying to the congregation to be careful not to use the word “always”. These statements of “You always, or You never”. My husband Hal and I have been careful ever since. Catching each other and more importantly, catching ourselves.

Watch for making “mountains out of molehills” this is more over generalization. Keep situations right sized and not blow them out of proportion.

Seeing a single negative event such as a career interruption or an invitation rejection, as a never-ending pattern or defeat. 

How often do you use the words “always” or “never”? 

What kind of damage do these words cause to those we love?

When I experience these defeats, how can I self soothe?